Sleep

Once you become a mother, sleep becomes a fond memory.  Something that you used to enjoy, but can no longer seem to find.  And the more time you put in as a mom, the more distant that memory becomes.  You begin to lose sight of it during pregnancy.  Having to get up all night to pee or rolling over to find that watermelon under your shirt is stopping you from getting comfortable.  Then once the baby is here, you're up all night for feedings and diaper changes.  Once he's able to sleep through the night, you have a glimmer of hope that you'll also be able to sleep all night.  But no!  You find yourself up all night checking on him to make sure he's still breathing or that the blankets are still on him.  Or, if you're like me, you are awakened every night by him climbing into your bed with you.  Then it's on to a night filled with feet in your back and hands in your face.

I'm still fairly new to motherhood, so sleep is still something that I remember and miss.  I miss going to bed, closing my eyes, and not waking until the sun was shining in through the window.  It's become a lovely daydream that I often think of in between cleaning up spills and yelling "Don't touch that!”  I know that it's going to be a long time (if ever) before I truly find it again.  But, until then, I will keep dreaming of what it was like and how wonderful it will be!

My name is Mommy

Well not really, but it sure does feel like it.  I remember when I used to have a real name.  People used to use it and I liked it.  But now, all I hear is mommy, mom, momma, ma....  It's gotten so bad that when someone uses my actual name, I don't always respond.  I hear it and think hmm...I used to know someone with that name.  And then I realize that it's my name and someone is actually using it to acknowledge me!  Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother.  But, sometimes it feels like that's all I am.  I am no longer ME...or, the me I used to be??  See, I don't even know anymore. 

I'm fairly new to motherhood (my oldest is 2 1/2), so I guess I'm just still trying to adjust to being a mother while still retaining some part of my non-mommy self.  It's a delicate balance that I'm not entirely sure I'll ever master.  I spend my days at home with my kids wishing that I could have more adult time without them.  Then, when I get a night out kid-free, I spend it thinking about and missing my kids.  I guess it's one of those "catch 22" problems!  Oh well!  I love my kids and my life, and I would never want to change any of it.  Someday I'll figure out how to find "me" without losing my mommy-self.  Until then, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the ride. 

Just don't get frustrated if you call me by my real name and I don't answer!